The enormous gift of self-esteem

The enormous gift of self-esteem

We see and hear the term self-esteem frequently. Troublesome behavior in children, even neurotic behavior in adults, we’re told, stems from a lack of feelings of self-esteem. But what exactly is it? What does self-esteem accomplish? And where do these feelings originate, especially in children?

Put simply, feelings of self-worth are internal thoughts and beliefs. They tell you that you’re a worthwhile person, and that you are reasonably competent and likeable. When you choose to believe these ideas about yourself, you then expect others to see you in this way and to like you. And because you’re convinced that you’re worthwhile, competent, and likeable, you’ll tend to be open, friendly, optimistic, industrious, well groomed, and venturesome.

On the other hand, if you or your child lack these feelings of self-esteem, and feel instead that you’re rather incompetent, unlikeable, or unworthy; you’ll tend to expect your efforts to fail. You’ll anticipate that others will reject and abandon you, and expect your life to be a failure.

As a result, your energy will become focused on keeping others from discovering what you’re really like. Because you expect rejection and criticism, you’ll tend to be hostile, closed, and unfriendly. Expecting to fail, you’ll become lazy, constricted or erratic. And because you feel worthless, you’ll neglect your health and appearance. Or you’ll spend hours constructing a beautiful façade to fool everyone into believing you’re a beautiful or good person.

When you understand this cause and effect relationship, it’s not hard to see how your responses to your child become his or her primary source of self-esteem. And self-esteem is fundamentally established through the experiences of childhood. The patterns begun there are very difficult to change later on.

Self-esteem has 3 fundamental building blocks:

1.      The security of belonging. This comes from experiencing a solid position of significance in family.

2.      The satisfaction of achievement. Each child needs a chance to be successful at something.

3.      The joy of feeling valued. A child’s happy awareness that he or she is valuable is maintained through consistent, sincere praise.

Here then, are some of the kinds of parental responses that will build healthy and positive feelings of self-esteem in your child. How do these compare with your current approach?

o   First, take stock of your own reservoir of self-esteem. Parents need a positive self-image themselves in order to build one in their children.

o   Provide a young child with opportunities to develop competence and confidence. Invest in toys, games and crafts that enable the child to create and to succeed in mastering self and his or her environment.

o   Allow your child to choose his or her own areas of achievement. Don’t try to impose on your child the ambitions you had as a young person, or make him or her achieve what you didn’t in sports, academics or the arts.

o   Genuinely listen to your child. It teaches the individual that he or she is an interesting person.

o   Ask your child’s opinion about what to do in various problem situations. This will help the child discover that his or her judgment can be sound.

o   If you raise questions (without ridicule) about your child’s plans, you’ll help the child find that he or she can be flexible and can reevaluate situations when new information is presented.

o   See each child as an individual. Avoid comparing your children to each other. Emphasize unique strengths and weaknesses.

o   Discuss your child (especially his or her problems) only when the child is not present.

o   Be aware of your child’s nicknames, especially those you use. Refrain from calling him or her by derogatory names, or even seemingly innocent labels such as “Turtle” that might suggest undesirable qualities. Develop positive names such as “Champ” or “Little Lady”.

o   When a child is kind, unselfish, neat, helpful, self disciplined, creative, well coordinated, industrious, or anything else that’s praiseworthy, say so! Your child will learn he or she can be successful in those ways. Sincere praise never hurt anyone!

o   Pint out and applaud your child’s improvements, no matter how small. He or she will learn to be optimistic.

o   Avoid condemning criticism and ridicule. They teach a child that something is basically wrong with him or her.

o   Avoid constantly making decisions fro your child. If you do, the child will conclude that his or her judgment is poor.

o   Avoid pointing out your child’s many failures and imperfections. It can only cause the child to lose any confidence in being competent. Soon the child will cease to like him or herself and won’t expect to be liked by anyone else, either. After all, “Dad, mum, auntie, teacher are bigger, stronger, and smarter than I am, so their judgment must be right. There’s something wrong with me!”